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You guys. We went on our first true family vacation, but it was just a few days after my shitshow health stuff, that it’s taken me this long to recollect myself, ha.

So I had originally been planning to take the kids to PCB for the first week of October for some beach time while J stayed behind and knocked out kitchen walls or something (I say “or something” because he has a million projects going on, and another million he’s planning, half of which involve leaving my house in shambles for quite some time. But he’s cute, so I guess it’s fine).

Aaaaanyway. Since I’d had my first surgery in my adult life only days prior, J and I were having some come to Jesus feels and we decided to all go. Or basically, I told him he should strongly consider it because the kitchen is always going to be a project. He agreed because he’d had his own mini-panic attack about having to raise five kids, three of whom are aged 3 and under, all on his own if I’d died on that surgery table. As my dad so well put it, “Fear is a wonderful thing.”

I swear all 5 kids knew. They knew we needed some calm and love and bonding and time to just be. I mean, they were still kids, for sure, I wouldn’t expect less, but they mostly pulled it together.

For a week we alternated between beach, pool, food, and sleep. Basically it was how life should be.

And we all ready knew the first four kids were made for beach living, and Ave proved it’s her zen place, too. So….any day now, J. I can have our house packed up speedy quick. Just sayin’.

Anyway, I’d love to say that peaceful zen came back home with us, but that would make me a liar. We are just in a busy, beautiful, chaotic season of life right now.

In many ways, having only one little babe was much harder than it is now with five. Everything was brand new. It was all a learning curve.

And we are still learning now. Each day as they grow something new pops up. Each kid is so dynamically different from all the others. There is no handbook or one-size fits all. It’s so much fun. And so exhausting.

Five kiddos is 5x the appointments, field trips, laundry, meals, illnesses, activities. It’s never ending. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But with five kids I have to be more intentional with my time. And blogging is clearly one of the things that’s been fading out. For years now. Pretty much since my grandma passed. And that’s okay. I started blogging all those years ago as a way to document and to pass time. To make it easy for friends and family to stay connected. But most especially for my grandma. And it’s been hard to feel like keeping up is really all that important anymore. Not in this way, anyway. Photos on IG suffice.

I’m incredibly thankful for the experiences and opportunities that this platform has allowed for my family and me over the years. But I also am at a place where it’s time to let go and move on.

I’d ideally like to move away from facebook as well (even if it remains, I don’t intend to utilize it for sharing). The weeks this year where I’ve had it deactivated were definitely better for me in pretty much all ways. I read books while I nursed instead of scrolled through a browser. I want to focus more on real, tangible relationships, than social media relationships. And I’m at a place where I also realize that may mean the only people I talk to each day are my kids, haha. And probably my sisters. And that’s okay, too. I’d rather text a friend a photo of the kids, and have a semi-real conversation even if it is through text message, than post a photo for people to “like” and feel that hollow connection for all of two seconds and move on. And the thing is, I all ready do this with some people. So I know it’s not impossible. Or terribly isolating.

It’s not as authentic as face to face, in person relationships. But we also don’t live in a world that allows that quite so easily anymore. But it’s more authentic than the same relationship with 500 of my closest friends…

So for better or worse, I’m taking my dad’s word’s to heart. “Fear is a wonderful thing.” Because it is. It makes you wake up. It makes you re-evaluate. It makes you prioritize.

And I’m going to prioritize simple, slow, and real for now.

But thank you to everyone who has been on this journey with me. And I will keep my IG going as I see appropriate, so feel free to get your dose of chaos on there if you wish (@justplainkilah).

Y’all have been the best.

The thing is, I’m a pretty lousy housewife. I’m not tidy or well-organized, and I rarely have a warm dinner waiting when my husband gets home (I do feed our kids, just not him 😬). I’m great at creating a budget, but not so hot at sticking to it because something always comes up with 5 kids (usually a trip to the doctor).

I’m not going to win mother of the year anytime soon. I get frustrated too easily. I spend more time telling my kids it’s good for them to be bored than I do actually enjoying fun activities with them. My “playing” skills are limited to reading them books. All day. I have no grace when it comes to bed times because I need that hour after they’re asleep to recharge the introvert in me. They will probably remember the mother of their childhood constantly saying, “Is that kind or helpful?” about nearly everything.

I spent last night reading through grad school programs and then just laughed; because I won’t have that sort of time for way too many more years to come. And at that point I won’t have anything to write down useful enough to get me accepted. Can shower one handed while holding a newborn? Good at making mediocre dinners while wearing two babies (as depicted)? Stellar butt-wiper of tiny humans? Great middle of the night cuddler even though I hate being touched while I sleep? I’m not sure any of those will help… .

I am constantly saying I am behind on everything in life. There aren’t enough hours in the day to get caught up. Not enough cups of coffee to keep me running. But maybe I’m not so behind. Maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Exhausted, sometimes a little depleted, but gosh darn it, so well loved. I just hope that these 6 humans I live with and adore so very much will one day be able to look back on all this crazy beautiful blur of season and say the same: that I loved them well enough.

Soooo….

Let me continue.

Basically Florida was a blast. The water was warm, the sand was soft, and the weather was gorgeous.

To make it just that much better, Miss H had the amazing surprise of one of her oldest friends coming to visit for the weekend from Jacksonville! I mean, I loved it too because her momma is one of my dearest friends, but the surprise for H made it all the better.

It’s one of the things I love most about kids. How they can go ages without seeing each other or speaking to one another and then they just pick up how they left off. Miss H and her friend M hadn’t seen each other since before we lived in Hawaii – eep! And they were knee deep in fun and giggles in pretty much minutes.

And it was so nice for me to have a friend to just chill out with and talk to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so fortunate to have a husband that I so deeply adore and who is truly my best friend, but man! There are just some things a woman can relate to better. And having a friend who you don’t have to be guarded around or worry about judging you is kind of a magical thing.

Miss H’s other epic surprise was….

SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS.

Okay, before you judge me too hard, we had agreed long, long ago when we first moved to Hawaii that we would make this dream of hers happen. But time slipped away and it never happened, and I didn’t want her to be the person who grew up and still remembered how her parents promised to take her to a Broadway show in NYC and never did….err….swim with dolphins (I definitely don’t have any lingering thoughts over my own childhood, haha).

So, we made it happen.

And it was pretty epic. Both the experience and her reaction.

She loved the dolphins.

But she was also pretty crushed. She deplored that they lived in an exhibit and were essentially circus animals, because she wanted them to be free as animals are meant to be. It was definitely hard for her animal-loving heart.

So I call it a win-win. We were able to carry out our promise and she was able to do something amazing, but she also was able to truly see the situation for what it was, and I find that to be pretty amazing for a 9-year-old.

Over all, it was a fantastic week and a half and we definitely need to get back to a life of low key, lazy beach days. It’s just so good for our souls.

Our 5th baby is due in less than 9 weeks.

What!?

When I was this pregnant with our darling Miss H, I all ready had a full nursery set up, car seat installed in my car, a hefty gender neutral wardrobe washed and folded neatly into a pretty little dresser, boxes of diapers and wipes piled in the closets, tiny little baby towels and wash cloths folded neatly in the cupboard, and every sort of baby contraption you can imagine floating around my house.

Oh, how the tides have changed.

We admittedly got rid of nearly all of our baby stuff before we returned to the mainland last fall. Bean was nearly a year old and we were probably done having babies because it made sense and was practical (I mean, 4 kids probably isn’t practical as is), and although we both talked a lot about having one more (I told J I wanted 5 before we ever got married. He asked it we could start with just 1), we weren’t even sure how we could work it in timing-wise. We had so many plans, and J is always gone, and we kind of had the next few years laid out for ourselves and a sweet new human just didn’t seem to make the cut.

Until he did.

And honestly, it’s the best thing that could have happened. It was a surprise, but not that much of a surprise because, well, we do know how babies are made, even if neither of us ever learned that in middle school health class….

But the planning that has gone in for this darling Fimito is mostly nil. And not because we don’t care about or adore him just as much as that first babe, but the things that seemed so important with that first baby, we’ve learned with each kid isn’t so much so. (Yes, babies need diapers, but otherwise). Also, when you have four other busy, crazy kiddos to chase after, there isn’t a lot of time to sit and ponder and marvel at the tiny life growing within. Except at 2am when you’re awake with Charlie Horse cramps, praying this will be the last of them (the muscle spasms, that is.)

The gadgets and gear aren’t all that important, you learn. We have a crib, not even put together yet, for this babe. Maybe we will use it. Maybe we won’t. He doesn’t have a bedroom anyway, so it’s kind of moot. (Obvs he will be rooming with us for the foreseeable future). There is a car seat from Bean that needs to be washed, and maybe I will install it before we need to use it to take him to the pediatrician the first time. Maybe we won’t. We will see how it goes.

I’ve got a box of newborn cloth diapers to wash. And I did buy three newborn onesies for him and a sailboat gown (because J says if we didn’t have a fifth kid we could have had a sailboat. In the Midwest. He’s almost 50. He’s probably losing it, ha). But mostly, we shall wing it. It’s not like we can’t get things as needed. And who even knows what we will need?

Diapers, milk, a momma, papa, and a bunch of crazy siblings to love him and adore him is all ready in check. Everything else is extra.

I have no idea how trick or treating works in Honolulu. I’ve googled my heart out, but I don’t know trick or treating hours. So to save myself the wrath of furious tiny humans, we ventured to the zoo this morning for trick or treating. 

Besides, who doesn’t love seeing animals while getting to fill their bags with goodies (and not be overwhelmed with too many treats)?

The kids were super excited to explore the zoo with J. I realized half way through that he’s never actually been to the Honolulu Zoo.

Funny how all our memberships for zoos and museums include his name, but he rarely gets to utilize them because we spend the week days at these places when it’s significantly less crowded, and thus, he’s at work. 

We pulled out the double stroller. It was so humid I was hoping my little love bug would let us stroll with her in the stroller instead of curled up on my chest. 

She did for all of four seconds. But she’s still a bit too small this particular stroller. Bean is cozy in our single stroller but then…Sweet M has no where to sit. I will try again in a few weeks. 

When I put her in and she started to cry, I immediately retrieved her. A woman walking by immediately squawked, “Oh, you’re spoiling her!” To which I balked, “Better to be spoiled than emotionally detached.” I wish I’d have been wittier, but alas. The exhaustion of mothering four kiddos might be getting the best of my wit.

The big kids were super excited to wear their costumes all day. Miss H is a witch (again), and Mr. B is a power ranger (surprise, surprise). Sweet M is technically a bird – he has wings. But he wasn’t really into the costume thing. And Bean is a white mouse. Because she squeaks, obviously.

Although the kids enjoyed the trick or treating part, they definitely enjoyed the animal part. They’d live at the zoo (okay, preferably in the wild…) if they could. They’re such animal lovers. 

Per usual, the peacocks stole the show at the Honolulu Zoo. They’re always my kids’ favorite. 

We had an amazingly fun day, and the kids got their trick or treating in just in case I drop the ball on them come Tuesday. 

I don’t think they will mind.