Fear Is A Wonderful Thing: An Adieu


You guys. We went on our first true family vacation, but it was just a few days after my shitshow health stuff, that it’s taken me this long to recollect myself, ha.

So I had originally been planning to take the kids to PCB for the first week of October for some beach time while J stayed behind and knocked out kitchen walls or something (I say “or something” because he has a million projects going on, and another million he’s planning, half of which involve leaving my house in shambles for quite some time. But he’s cute, so I guess it’s fine).

Aaaaanyway. Since I’d had my first surgery in my adult life only days prior, J and I were having some come to Jesus feels and we decided to all go. Or basically, I told him he should strongly consider it because the kitchen is always going to be a project. He agreed because he’d had his own mini-panic attack about having to raise five kids, three of whom are aged 3 and under, all on his own if I’d died on that surgery table. As my dad so well put it, “Fear is a wonderful thing.”


I swear all 5 kids knew. They knew we needed some calm and love and bonding and time to just be. I mean, they were still kids, for sure, I wouldn’t expect less, but they mostly pulled it together.

For a week we alternated between beach, pool, food, and sleep. Basically it was how life should be.

And we all ready knew the first four kids were made for beach living, and Ave proved it’s her zen place, too. So….any day now, J. I can have our house packed up speedy quick. Just sayin’.


Anyway, I’d love to say that peaceful zen came back home with us, but that would make me a liar. We are just in a busy, beautiful, chaotic season of life right now.

In many ways, having only one little babe was much harder than it is now with five. Everything was brand new. It was all a learning curve.

And we are still learning now. Each day as they grow something new pops up. Each kid is so dynamically different from all the others. There is no handbook or one-size fits all. It’s so much fun. And so exhausting.


Five kiddos is 5x the appointments, field trips, laundry, meals, illnesses, activities. It’s never ending. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But with five kids I have to be more intentional with my time. And blogging is clearly one of the things that’s been fading out. For years now. Pretty much since my grandma passed. And that’s okay. I started blogging all those years ago as a way to document and to pass time. To make it easy for friends and family to stay connected. But most especially for my grandma. And it’s been hard to feel like keeping up is really all that important anymore. Not in this way, anyway. Photos on IG suffice.

I’m incredibly thankful for the experiences and opportunities that this platform has allowed for my family and me over the years. But I also am at a place where it’s time to let go and move on.


I’d ideally like to move away from facebook as well (even if it remains, I don’t intend to utilize it for sharing). The weeks this year where I’ve had it deactivated were definitely better for me in pretty much all ways. I read books while I nursed instead of scrolled through a browser. I want to focus more on real, tangible relationships, than social media relationships. And I’m at a place where I also realize that may mean the only people I talk to each day are my kids, haha. And probably my sisters. And that’s okay, too. I’d rather text a friend a photo of the kids, and have a semi-real conversation even if it is through text message, than post a photo for people to “like” and feel that hollow connection for all of two seconds and move on. And the thing is, I all ready do this with some people. So I know it’s not impossible. Or terribly isolating.

It’s not as authentic as face to face, in person relationships. But we also don’t live in a world that allows that quite so easily anymore. But it’s more authentic than the same relationship with 500 of my closest friends…


So for better or worse, I’m taking my dad’s word’s to heart. “Fear is a wonderful thing.” Because it is. It makes you wake up. It makes you re-evaluate. It makes you prioritize.

And I’m going to prioritize simple, slow, and real for now.

But thank you to everyone who has been on this journey with me. And I will keep my IG going as I see appropriate, so feel free to get your dose of chaos on there if you wish (@justplainkilah).

Y’all have been the best.

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